If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
