A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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