Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Less talking, more tequila
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
