I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
