I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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