How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
