I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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