I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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