He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
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