I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
