I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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