I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
my being single is dangerous.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
