I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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