Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
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