I just pynch a tree in the face
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My feet surprised me
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
