Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
