I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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