So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
