What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
there was a trapeze. enough said
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
