Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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