My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
