I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
