i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
