i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
