my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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