Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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