Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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