The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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