i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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