you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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