y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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