Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
