Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
