I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
