I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
