You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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