So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
