just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My vagina just clenched in fear
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
