i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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