We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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