His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
