Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
