why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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