Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
