he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
