She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
