So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
