He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
