The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
