i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
