Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
