i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
