connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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