There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
