The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
